Practice in futility

February 12, 2011

My big fat plan to make heart-shaped shortbread cookies and dip them in chocolate was, literally, not supposed to be anything special. I’ve chocolate dipped just about anything for anyone. Besides, shortbread cookies are not particularly hard and recipe involves all of four ingredients. Please, do not follow these instructions. This is how to make a very simple project mind-numbingly and painfully difficult, wasteful, and time consuming. Welcome to my misadventures.

1. Go to mom’s house to get the KitchenAid standing mixer and double boiler that you got was wedding presents. This is an unnecessary step as you have both a hand mixer, food processor, and stainless steel bowls already in your apartment that easily replace both these appliances. (See end of project when you plan to take both the standing mixer and the double boiler back to mom’s house to store because they take up too much room in your already packed apartment.)
2.  Begin setting up standing mixer while doing dishes, making a box of macaroni and cheese, and deciding to make sugar-free chocolates for your husband’s diabetic grandfather.
3.  Read half of first step in shortbread recipe and dump all ingredients into standing mixer.
4.  Empty entire box of “cheddar explosion” macaroni and cheese into face.
5.   Become excited by box of serving utensils that comes in the mail.
6.   Realize that your dough is not coming together and read the rest of the step 1 in shortbread recipe. Note that it has different directions for using a food processor and standing mixer.
7.  Turn standing mixer up higher because speed changes everything. Meanwhile, set up double boiler to make chocolates.
8.  Give up on shortbread and take another stick of butter out of the freezer to make later. Pour dark chocolate into molds and leave on counter.
9. Become sleepy from too much mac and cheese and rootbeer. Lay on couch and watch horror movie involving the guy that played Captain Kirk in the new StarTrek movie.
10.  Hear something from mother-in-law about chocolate chip cookies. Get excited. Pack up chocolates and go to in-laws to see husband’s grandparents.
11.   Come home hours later and start recipe over again, this time creaming butter, sugar, and cornstarch BEFORE dumping in flour. Note that dough is still not coming together.
12. Check recipe and realize you’re only using half the amount of butter called for.
13.  Face palm.
14. Take another stick of butter out of the freezer, cover the unfinished mixture, make a rum and coke, watch Stepbrothers with hubby and watch him fall asleep on the couch.

So… next post will equal what the cookies look like. But as it is already March and this post is from Valentine’s Day, I think I’ve gone ahead and established how this blog is going to go. I think I’ve set the bar low enough for my comfort level.